you finally feel like a stranger to me.

most of the time its like we never happened.

finally feels like it was years ago that i was in love with you. that i felt so happy and blinded by my feelings for you.

i understand now how you must have felt when you found out about him. and in this world there's no making you believe that i loved you, despite what i did.

but i can't remember that feeling anymore-- of loving you. and i miss it. but at least it finally doesnt hurt anymore

I no longer ache when I think of you. And I don't wish that we were together anymore. It's more of a numbness whenever I think of you. A shield to protect myself from pain. I don't know what love is anymore. Not sure how it feels or what it looks like. I think I knew what it was back then. These days I have no desire to search for love. It feels as if the task of opening up my heart is so minuscule and irrelevant in this world. It hurt too much when you just disappeared. What's the point in loving someone when it can all just disappear? There must be more important things to do with my life than to love someone that intensely again.

I opened up my old journal. You know, the black leather bound one that you read in 2006 and first discovered the mess I was. I knew I had written about you in it. And I was almost scared to read those parts. I tried to stop before I reached the point where I first fell for you. But there it was- our beginning.

"March 26, 2006
Jack took me up to the big C. It was so pretty and we ended up sitting there for 3 hours or so. We talked and he was holding my hand =] - he put his arm around me... it was like in those movies- it was so sweet and innocent. Something I've always wanted. We have this thing about jellybeans. I was telling him about choosing between things and he said "this better not be about jellybeans." But up there on the mountain- he asked me if he was a jellybean. Gosh I don't know how to tell you the whole story. I keep jumping around. It's this big mess of stuff- but that night, he called me at 3:30am and was shouting "will you go out with me?!" haha, how cute- and how he couldn't do his homework until I told him. He was saying "Can I be your boyfriend?!" he's so cute, so sweet- it's only been a week, but it's been great. Thursday night he came over and I was leaving Friday to come back home- he stayed til like 3:30 and we watched The Island. And he held me and kissed my forehead and after the movie was done he just sat with me- and he put his hand on my chin and kept stroking my chin and cheek. I didn't know how to do- I didn't know if he was going to kiss me or just get up and leave. My heart kept beating faster- I could feel his breath and his nose and he tilted my head up and pulled me closer... and kissed me. I almost forgot to breathe. I didn't know what to do. Like I forgot everything else. I didn't even know how to kiss him back. Even when I think about it now- I just... I want to be there now. He's so... I don't know, perfect. He makes me so happy. I haven't been this happy for a long time. I miss him. I love thinking about him. It was one of the best days of my life. This is one of my happiest times."

I can still remember those nights. I couldn't help the tears that slid down my cheeks as I tried to recall how I felt then. Normally I'd wish to go back to then. But I've always known how useless those words are.

It's like I'm rewatching the happy ending of a movie in my mind that I saw 5 years ago. Half a decade ago. And as I always do- I wonder what happened to the characters after the movie. I imagine their lives together forever, because that's where the story ended on the screen or in the book. I imagine our movie ending when our story began. So the details could be altered in my mind to something better. So the mistakes I made could be erased and rewritten by the editor who plans for our "forever."

But then it'd be someone else's story wouldn't it. I've known for too long that I have left the end of our story up to you. And it's been killing me because I haven't wanted it to end because I have this hope that our story isn't over yet. Maybe it's because of the silence from you. Course, 3 years of silence is really long time. A normal person would understand that it's not an intentional silence any longer, it's just that he has long since ended the story in his mind. It's funny how two people can have shared one thing so closely but have it exist as two different things in their different minds.

I cheated myself, Like I knew I would, I told you I was trouble, You know that I'm no good.

Adele - Don't You Remember

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye,
not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye,
and a heaviness in my head,
But don't you remember?

Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?

I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,
But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye,
and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,

Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
When will I see you again?

I'm unhappy.

i can't seem to shake this question that keeps asking "what is this all for?" For the first time since I can remember, I am really alone. And I don't know how to do this. I forget what it feels like to be happy. So I keep thinking back to when I was last happy. Somehow I make that association with Jack. Maybe that's why I sometimes still think of him. Truth be told, I think about him everyday. If I could just feel happy again, I think I would be able to let him go.

At the same time, i'm afraid to let anyone in anymore. it disappeared so quickly with him. all my stories and my life somehow felt like it could so easily be erased. he just... erased me and took it away. whats the point when all that love you give can be so easily lost?

i can't let this haunt me forever. but right now... i dont know how to get beyond it.

sometimes it's not about love. sometimes love isn't enough. sometimes it's just about the timing of things. i want to wait for you to grow up. to find yourself and set a path for yourself first. i think i'll be here waiting. wish i could let you know that i miss you.

可能是你爱我不够， 把我的手放下了。要不然你会知道他那时侯一点都不爱我。这一会是你已经远远离开的。是我还在慢慢走开。

someday i will make it there. i will walk the streets of nyc. i feel like im missing something in my life..

we dont always get to tie up loose ends in real life. not like in the movies or novels.

so how do we deal with them? I havent figured it out.

if someone does, let me know. so i can stop tripping over mine and suffering from the pain and embarrassment.

i kind of just want to disappear...
  this year was supposed to get better.